On a map of your village are clearly defined boundaries of suburban areas and indicated exactly who is owner. Everyone can see who owns a particular piece of land, and that is it. The same should be in close personal relationships of people. If I see where the boundaries in our relationships, I know, who is the "owner" of concepts such as feelings, opinions, and actions. I know who it is all "belong". If in this case there are any troubles, I can determine exactly who is behind them must meet. The relationship of two married meant that each spouse must have a strong sense of personal ownership. Learn more with our blog and join our chat alternative roulette.
Most recently I had the opportunity to meet with the couple, with complete lacking a sense of ownership.
Carolyn and Joe came to me for consultation, because they could not stop quarreling. I asked Carolyn: what is the root of your quarrels? She answered:
- He was always upset with me. He clings to me for every little thing – he is always unsatisfied, and I was very offended. I cannot stand his carping.
Then I asked Joe why he always clings to his wife. Without a moment's hesitation, he replied:
- Because she always sticks her nose into my business, she always points me how I should behave.
Our conversation began to take the nature of ping-pong. Nevertheless, I asked Carolyn:
- Why did you point to your husband how he should behave? With the speed of light she blurted out:
- He was always busy with his own business, and he never has time for me. He doesn’t pay attention at all.
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Each of the spouses blamed each other for their troubles. I really wanted them to look at their behavior humorous. So I continued to ask questions:
- Why do not you pay attention to your wife? The answer appeared instantly:
- Because she always have an opinion even it is not necessary, and all the time she nagging and nagging me. I do not know where I can hide from it.
The last time trying to hear that someone of them finally take responsibility for their behavior, I asked her why she nags her husband. She answered immediately:
- Because he never listen to me.
I started to shake my head defiantly, and then ask her husband: "Why?" The answer was in the same manner: his wife is guilty. Once the "ball" of responsibility landed on someone's side, he or she immediately throw it on the opposite side. None of them never took the blame for their actions and decisions. They sincerely believed that their behavior was "caused by" improper conduct of another.
I would like to hear the following words from Joe: "I'm starting to get angry at my wife because I feel my inability to behave differently. I do not know how to explain to her that she was wrong, and very worried about it. I love her in spite of her behavior. Tell me how I should behave" These words may sound in the ears of music adviser. But this couple was deprived of the ability "to compose a symphony."